Sometimes we experience so much pain, loss, or numbness that we start to feel hopeless—like there is no way out of how we’re feeling. When we feel hopeless or overwhelmed, we may start to have thoughts of suicide. Suicidal thoughts are temporary, and with the right treatment and support you can begin to feel so much better—even hopeful.
Those who are experiencing moderate or severe depression, could have self-harm thoughts, thoughts of suicide, or suicide attempts. If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts or you’ve noticed someone you love is showing a sudden and worrisome shift in their behavior, pay attention and get help.
Hopelessness can be feeling something like this:
- Thinking or saying that things will never improve. It may include thoughts such as:
- “This will never get better.”
- “No one can help me.”
- “I feel like giving up.”
- “It’s too late now.”
- Making negative experiences bigger. For example, if you fail a test at school and then think of yourself as a failure as opposed to focusing on the fact that you failed one test.
- Ignoring positive feelings or experiences. In the test example, maybe you’ve had a lot of success in the class, but you can’t tap into those feelings of accomplishment. Instead, the one bad test makes the whole experience feel bad.
- Imagining the worst-case scenario. Experts call this “catastrophising,” and it means when something bad happens—let’s stick with the test example—you imagine the worst thing that could happen as a result: “I failed the test, so I am going to fail out of school.”
- Not being interested in activities or events that once brought you joy.
- Feeling isolated and alone, or pulling away from friends and family.
- Blaming yourself for how you feel or believing that somehow the challenges you are experiencing are your fault.
What Suicidal Thoughts Feel Like
Suicidal thoughts can range from passing thoughts about death (such as wondering what it feels like to die or thinking, “What if I just went to sleep and didn’t wake up?”) to specific plans about suicide (such as thinking about how and when you might end your life). Passing thoughts of suicide can get worse if you don’t get support for them. If you are struggling with any of the below feelings or behaviours, it is time to reach out.
- Feeling disconnected from others or withdrawing from friends and family.
- Feeling trapped in an intolerable situation.
- Feeling like a burden to others or telling others they would be better off without you.
- Thinking, talking, or posting online about death or violence.
It’s Time To Take Action and Feel Better
Telling someone you are having thoughts about suicide is a brave act, and it can be difficult to do. Sharing your feelings is important, though, because it is the first step toward finding help. If you feel suicidal, you are likely feeling hopeless or helpless. Connecting with someone who cares and sharing your feelings can help you feel supported and give you hope. It can be a huge relief to share your feelings, because it means you no longer have to struggle alone.
How to Offer Support to a Suicidal Person
1) Be There: Simple actions can help you be there for someone who is experiencing suicidal thoughts or recovering from an attempt to take their own life.
Evidence shows asking someone if they’re suicidal can protect them. By asking someone directly about suicide, you give them permission to tell you how they feel, and let them know that they are not a burden. People who have felt suicidal will often say what a huge relief it was to be able to talk about what they were experiencing.
If someone does let you know that they are having suicidal thoughts, always take them seriously. You don’t have to be able to solve their problems. But, if you feel you can, offer support and encourage them to talk about how they’re feeling.
The needs of a person who is struggling with suicidal thoughts will depend on their circumstances. For this reason, there isn’t one simple set of steps to follow.
What you can do, however, is provide a supportive presence, free of judgment. This creates a safe space for them to feel their feelings and express themselves, if they want to. Or to sit in silence and know they are cared for, if they want to.
2) Listen : If the person you’re with does share how they’re feeling with you, it is usually better to listen and respond with open questions – not advice or opinions.
The important thing is to let the person know you will support them, without judgment, as far as you are able to. You don’t need to change what they are going through for them. You can offer to help with practical things they might need in the moment, like getting them a glass of water, calling the GP or getting in touch with their friends or family (with their permission). Or they might need you to watch TV with them or do an activity or even just hear them out.
When they’re feeling able to think about next steps for looking after themselves, you can suggest you make a ‘safety plan’ together. A ‘safety plan’ will lay out steps for coping in a crisis, and help them make sure they have the support they need going forwards. You can complete one together, and both keep copies to refer to. It will also help you know how best to support them in the future.
3) Create a Safety Plan: A safety plan is a tool for helping someone navigate suicidal feelings and urges. It can also be a way for you and the person you’re supporting to plan how to communicate and check in with each other going forwards. It takes around 20-40 minutes to complete.
- Spotting signs of nearing crisis : In the past, they might have experienced patterns of thinking, physical sensations or specific mental images just before a crisis. Help them identify the signs and equip them to take steps to protect themselves at the right time.
- Internal coping strategies : These are things that the person who is struggling can try on their own to calm themselves down. For example, removing themselves from a situation or looking at soothing resources, images or messages.
- Possible contact persons : This might be a list of people who can be contacted in a crisis, either with a request for help or with another message. This might also include places where the person who is struggling can go to, like a friend’s house, the pastor’s house, or the church. It can be useful to have a list of trusted people to turn to when things get hard. Having several written down can help make sure that there’s always someone there.
- Making it hard : This means removing things that could be used for suicide or self-harm from nearby the person you’re supporting.
It’s important that each step of the plan feels do-able to the person who is having suicidal thoughts and feelings. Although you can support them, for example, by gathering key phone numbers, it’s important they have ownership over each step of the plan.
4) Checking in : The frequency will depend on what the person you’re supporting needs, and how often you’re able to be there. If possible, discuss this with the person you’re supporting and choose something that works for you both.
You might agree to send them a message, or to chat in person or online, at regular intervals. You might coordinate how often you check in with someone else who is able to offer support.
If you’re checking in with someone because you’ve noticed a sign they might be struggling – such as using phrases like ‘I’m worthless’ – it might be useful to mention that sign, in a non judgemental way, and ask them how they’re doing.
Sometimes, the person we’re checking in with might have gone quiet, or not communicated with us in a while. This can sometimes happen when people are not feeling well. Often people don’t reach out because they’re worried they’ll be a burden or because they feel shame.
When you reach out, you’re letting the person you’re supporting know that they’re not a burden, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Be persistent
If you are worried about someone, it’s important to be persistent. Don’t try to force them to open up to you – they might not be ready or able to do that. But do keep letting them know that you’re there for them.
You can use how you’ve communicated with the person you’re supporting in the past as your guide. It’s okay to talk in the way that you’re used to speaking to each other. And it’s also okay to be present for them without talking too – this let’s them know you’re there.
5) Getting additional help : Sometimes, it can be important to recognise the limit of the support you can offer as a friend, and reach out for professional help.
6) Looking after yourself : Supporting someone who is struggling can be distressing – especially if that person is in danger of taking their own life or harming themselves.
It’s important for you to make sure you’re okay too. Give yourself time to rest and process what’s happened. Remember that it’s okay to decide that you are no longer able to help them and to let them know you won’t be contactable for a while, making sure that they have other safe means to vent themselves out.