WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
From concrete walls to “No Trespassing” signs, we find physical boundaries all around us. Usually, these exist for a good reason. A tall chainlink fence around an electrical plant is there to protect us from walking inadvertently into a dangerous area.
Personal boundaries are likewise necessary for protecting your emotions and spirit. But unlike physical boundaries, others can’t always see them. This makes it hard to establish boundaries and to recognise the boundaries of others. It also is hard to enforce them because it can make you feel mean. But it shouldn’t.
Setting boundaries entails taking ownership of your own wants, needs, and feelings. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people’s concerns or problems. All it means is that you aren’t solely responsible for them.
BOUNDARY PROBLEMS
It’s easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it seems as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the one who has the boundary problem; however, people who don’t respect others’ limits also have boundary problems. We will categorize the main types of boundary problems.
- Compliants : Saying “Yes” to the Bad
When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish. They are sending their children defenceless into a world that contains much evil – evil in the form of controlling, manipulative, and exploitative people, evil in the form of temptations.
To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like:
• “No.”
• “I disagree.”
• “I will not.”
• “I choose not to.”
• “Stop that.”
• “It hurts.”
• “It’s wrong.”
• “That’s bad.”
• “I don’t like it when you touch me there.”
Blocking a child’s ability to say no handicaps that child for life and they
have this first boundary injury: they say yes to bad things.
This type of boundary conflict is called ‘Compliance’. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.
The inability to say no to the bad not only keeps us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognising evil too. Many compliant people realize too late that they’re in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emotional “radar” is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts (Prov. 4:23).
This type of boundary problem paralyses people’s ability to say ‘no’. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reasons:
- Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
- Fear of abandonment and separateness
- A wish to be totally dependent on another
- Fear of someone else’s anger
- Fear of punishment
- Fear of being shamed
- Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
- Fear of being unspiritual
- Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience or Guilt
People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for. As Paul says, “Since their conscience is weak, it is defiled” (1 Cor. 8:7). When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others—a saying yes to the bad—because it would cause more guilt.
Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires “compassion, and not sacrifice” (NASB). In other words, God wants us to be compliant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the outside and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.
- Avoidants : Saying “No” to the Good
This boundary problem called ‘Avoidance’ says no to the good. It’s the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.
Avoidance is a boundary problem because at the heart of the struggle is a confusion of boundaries as walls. Boundaries are supposed to be like fences with a gate that can let the good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them.
God designed our personal boundaries to have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones. God even allows us the freedom to let him in or to close him off: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” (Rev. 3:20)
God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can relate to us. He understands that this would cause injuries of trust. It is our responsibility to open up to him in need and repentance. Yet, for Avoidants, opening up to both God and people is almost impossible. They experience even their problems and legitimate wants as something bad, destructive, or shameful.
- Controllers : Not respecting others’ boundaries
This boundary problem called ‘Control’ can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others. Controllers that no means maybe, and maybe means yes. While this may be productive in learning to sell a product, it can wreak havoc in a relationship. Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative and aggressive.
The primary problem of individuals who can’t hear no is that they tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone.
Controllers come in two types:
- Aggressive controllers : These people clearly don’t listen to others’ boundaries. They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive. But most of the time they simply aren’t aware that others even have boundaries. It’s as if they live in a world of yes. There’s no place for someone else’s no. They attempt to get others to change, to make the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their own responsibility to accept others as they are. Peter is an example of an aggressive controller. Jesus was telling the disciples about his upcoming suffering, death, and resurrection. Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him. But Jesus rebuked Peter, saying, “Get behind me, Satan! You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men” (Mark 8:33). Peter didn’t want to accept the Lord’s boundaries. Jesus immediately confronted Peter’s violation of his boundaries.
- Manipulative controllers : Less honest than the aggressive controllers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries. They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens. They use guilt messages. Jacob’s name means “deceiver” and he used his cleverness numerous times to avoid others’ boundaries. He became less deceitful and more honest only after his direct confrontation with God. Only when the manipulative controller is confronted with his dishonesty can he take responsibility for it, repent of it, and accept his and others’ limits. They also deny their desires to control others and take their own self-centeredness very lightly.
Controllers are undisciplined people. Delaying gratification is difficult for them. That’s why they hate the word no from others. They desperately need to learn to listen to the boundaries of others to help them observe their own. Controllers also are limited in their ability to take responsibility for owning their lives. The only remedy is to let controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility.
Finally, controllers are isolated. People stay with them only out of fear, guilt, or dependency. If they’re honest, controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. And, at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). We can’t terrorise or make others feel guilty and be loved by them at the same time.
- Non-responsives: Not hearing the needs of others
This boundary problem called ‘Nonresponsiveness’ seems to have no understanding whatsoever of others’ struggles and doesn’t want to.
This is a boundary problem, and not just plain insensitivity because boundaries are a way to describe our spheres of responsibility: what we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn’t take on the responsibility of others’ feelings, attitudes, and behaviours, we do have certain responsibilities to each other. Connecting emotionally with each other is a part of being responsible for their emotional well-being. But the inability to respond to others’ needs is a neglect of responsibility. These individuals exhibit the opposite of the pattern exhorted in Proverbs 3:27 (NRSV): “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.” Another key Scripture here is “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18 NRSV). Note the condition: “so far as it depends on you”: we can’t bring peace to someone who doesn’t accept it!
Both of the above verses indicate the same idea: we are responsible to care about and help, within certain limits, others whom God places in our lives. To refuse to do so when we have the appropriate resources can be a boundary conflict.
Nonresponsives fall into one of two groups:
- Those with a critical spirit toward others’ needs. They hate being incomplete in themselves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others.
- Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs they exclude others (a form of narcissism).
Don’t confuse this self-absorption with a God-given sense of taking responsibility for one’s own needs first so that one is able to love others: “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4). God wants us to take care of ourselves so that we can help others without moving into a crisis ourselves.
Certain Co-relations
Some people are both Compliants and Avoidants. They say “yes” to the bad (compliant) and says “no” to the good (avoidant). Individuals who have both boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, they are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others. They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to replace the lost energy. They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they shouldn’t have them.
Compliants and Avoidants can also be controllers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive. Compliant Avoidants hope that by being loving, they’ll receive love. So they wait, anticipating the return of the favour, sometimes for years. What’s wrong with this picture? It’s not a picture of love. The love that God talks about is not self-seeking” (1 Cor. 13:5). Caring for someone so that they’ll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling someone else. If you’ve ever been on the “receiving” end of that kind of manoeuver, you’ll understand. One minute you’ve taken the compliment, or favour—the next minute you’ve hurt someone’s feelings by not figuring out the price tag attached.
Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past themselves. They see others as responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for someone to take care of them. They gravitate toward someone with blurry boundaries, who will naturally take on too many responsibilities in the relationship and who won’t complain about it. We usually find that when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive person, they get married! Actually, this makes sense. Compliant avoidants search for someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them out of touch with their own needs. Who fits the bill better than a controlling non-responsive? And controlling non-responsives search for someone to keep them away from responsibility. Who better than a compliant avoidant?
Below is a chart of the four types of boundary problems. It will help us to see at a glance the kinds of problems with which we may struggle.
Summary of Boundary Problems
| CAN’T SAY | CAN’T HEAR |
| NO | THE COMPLIANT | THE CONTROLLERS |
| Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can’t set boundaries. | Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others. | |
| YES | THE NON-RESPONSIVES | THE AVOIDANTS |
| Sets boundaries against responsibility to love. | Sets boundaries against receiving care of others. | |
