Overcoming Shame and Guilt (Are you Wearing a Mask?)

Are you Wearing a Mask?

There are two kinds of shame, true and false.

True shame is also called guilt. You did something wrong and now you are ashamed and embarrassed. It’s a feeling about your actions.

False shame is the fear of exposure. It’s the fear of being humiliated or rejected for being so defective and inadequate. It makes you want to hide. It’s not a feeling about your actions; it’s a deeply painful feeling about your identity and worth as a person. A person with false shame doesn’t say to himself, I made a mistake; he says, I am a mistake.

People carrying shame agree with the lies that Satan tells them of how socially unacceptable they are. This leads to low self-esteem, low self-confidence and even self-rejection.

Shame-based people are always comparing themselves to others. The people they compare themselves to are usually from the media and represent impossible standards that could never be achieved by the average person.

Shame causes people to avoid social contact because they feel different, conspicuously inferior and that they don’t fit in anywhere. 

How does Shame Begin?

Shame starts in our families. If parents struggle with it, they will make shaming a normal part of family life and teach it to the children. When we’ve been shamed, we will always shame someone else. It just becomes normal behaviour to us.

Why is Forgiveness so Important?

First and foremost, forgiveness is a command.

Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The Lord commands us to forgive others, the same way He has forgiven us.

When you don’t forgive someone, you remain a prisoner to the pain and hurt they caused you, regardless of how long ago it happened. The very presence of that grudge in your heart gives Satan permission to continuously stir the pot of emotional pain and resentment.

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is giving up your right to hold someone accountable for their sin against you.

It doesn’t mean that you are letting them off the hook. It means that you are setting yourself free from the pain and anger that has connected you to them for so long. When you choose to forgive, it does not mean you will forget what happened; rather, it means that the event will no longer have the same emotional control over you that it used to have.

Forgiveness releases the power of God to bring healing into the wounded places of your heart.

It is a very self-serving act. You forgive because you want to be set free. You no longer want to be a prisoner of that bondage.

Shame can be experienced when parents have unrealistic expectations of a child and then criticize and embarrass them for not measuring up. The child eventually becomes convinced that they are defective and can never perform well.

Shame-filled families don’t deal with issues or problems. They are preoccupied with projecting a good image to outsiders and keeping the family problems secret. Children learn that problems and the feelings around them are to be kept hidden and stuffed, since they aren’t important and no one cares to hear about them. Pretending that everything is fine becomes a lifestyle.

Abuse or neglect leaves deep scars of shame. The child presumes that they deserved the abuse and that they weren’t valuable enough to be protected. It’s made even worse when the parents don’t take the offense seriously. This leads to a lifelong feeling of being worthless and defective.

Dysfunctional parents use shame to control children. They often repeat, “What will the neighbours think?” “I’m so ashamed of you!” “You should be ashamed of yourself!” “Why aren’t you like the neighbour’s child?”

Comparison is the rocket fuel of shame. Satan reinforces all these messages by encouraging us to compare ourselves to others and then become self-focused and preoccupied with our shortcomings.

How do We Get Out of this Mess?

The remedy for true shame or guilt is to repent and receive forgiveness. False shame is a mental fortress or stronghold built out of lies that we believe about ourselves. The solution for lies then is to discover the truth about ourselves that will smash those strongholds.

We have to change our self-assessment so it agrees with God’s view of us. We are His highly valued children. He paid for us with His life, and we belong to Him. His love for us is not conditional upon our performance. 

We must stop assuming that He behaves like a human parent. He is not angry with you, and He isn’t waiting to punish you for stepping out of line.God is the perfect parent that none of us had.

God wants to heal our shame so we never have to fear having our true selves exposed or uncovered. He wants us to be so secure in His love that we see ourselves wrapped in royal garments, sitting with Him in the throne room.

We no longer have to compare ourselves to others. God has made each of us different. He loves variety, and He uses our differences to build His kingdom. 1 Corinthians 12:22 explains that those who feel weaker and less honourable (shame filled, in other words) get greater honour in God’s kingdom.

Source: Emotionally Free by Grant Mullen