Only me and GOD knows …. But I felt like some of you needed to hear this, especially from someone like me.
This is something that I never wanted to disclose to my family and I really thought I would never tell this to anyone but God works in miraculous ways right.
Five years ago (3rd March,2018) I first took medicines in my hand (my daddy’s expired medicines), well ….. To “Kill Myself”…. and at that moment I prayed “God, please help me to go through this. God, I’m scared of this. You know me better than I do. You know my deepest secrets, you hear my whispers, and you listen to my prayers even if I can’t say them out loud.”
And that day I believe that God didn’t allow me do anything stupid but neither did he really answer any of my prayers. But I understood his silence later on (I’m getting to it).
Although I can’t remember if that was the beginning of everything, I believe that I started having problems the day that my father had an attack. And if I still remember the date correctly, it was September 7th, 2012.
As time passed, I was constantly bothered by everything. My anxiety, panic attacks, and ongoing bouts of depression, which make me irritable and prone to breakdowns, all contribute to my insomnia.
Panic can hit in the worst times. Sometimes when I’m alone, but other times that are more inconvenient such as when I’m eating, out with company, or one of the worst experiences is having a panic attack in the middle of church service itself.
I couldn’t come to terms with it, and even till today sometimes I can’t accept it.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve curled up in my own bed wide awake in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably for hours and thinking how absolutely bad I was; the number of times my brain repeatedly told itself that I was a freak and will always be one. It never seemed to get any better.
For those who, at this point, say that I should get help and confide in a friend, should know that I’ve tried. Sadly, not many remember and even lesser care. Some just think that it’s a “self-pity zone” that I need to get out of. I mean, just trust in the Lord right? If I keep suffering through this I obviously have no faith and haven’t prayed enough.
If there was a method to stop those crying bouts and deal with anxiety attacks, I’d follow in a heartbeat.
I prayed and begged and cried many many times for God to take this away from me. I absorbed every Word that pastors preached about anxiety, depression and fear.
Fear is not given by God and I knew.
I went down and asked to be prayed for when there was a chance, but healing never came. If I’d wanted attention, I’d tell the world and act like the most depressed person in the room, yet because I know that I had to overcome my wallowing self and pluck myself up and learn how to enjoy the worship and fellowship of the Lord in my suffering, against my illogical thoughts I willed myself to be happy.
Indeed, the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Slowly I began to come to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with me suffering with depression and anxiety, because suffering is what humans do. People suffer from heartbreaks, diseases, debts, dysfunctional families, and many of these definitely include Christians too.
Maybe, It’s not a mistake or a lack of faith that’s the reason why people suffer.
In JOHN 9:1-12, Jesus healed a man that was born blind. The disciples asked who was the one who sinned, looking for someone to blame, yet Jesus gives no reason whatsoever behind the suffering, but simply proclaims that this man’s suffering is to bring glory to God Himself.
Isn’t it true in Christianity sometimes that we’re all looking for someone or something to blame? We didn’t pray, didn’t fast, didn’t come for service, didn’t do enough good, yet how wonderful is the news that Jesus looks past all those things and says that instead of having a reason why we are suffering, our suffering is the reason God will be glorified.
I suffer. Yes. I 100% believe in healing and know that Jesus has taken my iniquities and is faithful to me, but in my own devotion to Him I also know that even if it doesn’t happen, the very fact that He is my Lord and Saviour will never change.
So what is it like having depression as a Christian? It’s like a constant three-part battle within my soul. Every single day, anxiety keeps me worried about all the things I need to do, depression whispers to me about how worthless I am.
And then faith reminds me that God is sovereign, and I survive another day.
Sometimes in my bouts of depression, I shut the world off, and sometimes I shut God off too. I curl up feeling absolutely blank and empty, crying and entertaining the worst possible thoughts about myself. Yet even in my enclosed and shut off state, God’s presence gently knocks and amidst the whirling storm of self-deprecation, His small voice reminds me that He’s here. In that moment I needed nothing more, but the assuring comfort of being able to cry in His arms like a child in her Father’s hands. Some days I could spend days and days never being able to feel God’s presence, but yet the only thing that kept me going was my purpose in His ministry.
I still struggle – every single day. But this struggle taught me how to lean on God’s strength, to experience His perfect love on a whole other level, to see that people will not be able to understand, but God can.
EVEN IF I STRUGGLE WITH THIS MY WHOLE LIFE, I KNOW THAT I HAVE AN ETERNITY OF FREEDOM IN HIM.
I told myself one thing that no external help has told me: that it’s okay if I remain this way. My purpose stands and His promise remains. People disappoint, but God doesn’t. He is faithful even if we’re screwed up and feel like a huge freak. The greatest news is not that God is a blesser, a healer, a provider, or any of that, but the simple fact that His grace is more than sufficient for us.
All that endures is His love.
And I understood that the more I’m away from God, the more I’m thrown into the devil’s evil hands.
I understood that I was put on this Earth for a reason and if I leave, it will never be the same without me.
I had woken up and knew that I’m a warrior for CHRIST & I’m a survivor.
