The Deception of the Enemy
We should be very alert and watchful about who comes in and goes from our house because we don’t know where danger is lurking against our children and inside whom. It can be in that pleasant grandfather living next door or it can in that funny friend of yours. The menace can conceal itself in that helpful lady from the office or it can be in your trustworthy, married neighbour. It can even be your blood relative or the maid who might abuse your child. Whether at your own home, your child’s sleepovers with his friend, school or church, while visiting someone or on a trip – it can happen anywhere. And any tricks can be wielded to attract the firefly to the fire.
Their decent profile in the society is the strongbox that helps many perpetrators or pedophiles to go unnoticed. Mine came to our flourishing parish as a priest to the Orthodox church that was in our premises. My grandfather was the one who gave the land where the church and parsonage were situated. It was also right in front of our house and so all the priests had a significant connection and amiable relationship with our family. Because the parsonage was so proximal to our house, he visited us often and we served him food. As a priest, he won the trust of all, because priests and bishops were highly revered in this hilly village, where all the people were simpletons, but very traditional.
And he used a ploy to catch the attention of small children by giving them a small cross shaped locket so that they can hang it on their necks. I didn’t get one and I was very fascinated by the idea of having a small cross on my neck, like all other children. So, one night when he came home to have food, I asked him for a locket he is giving everyone else. While he was leaving, suddenly the electricity went off and he took me outside the house using the ruse of giving me a locket. Nobody will have a doubt because who will be suspicious about an amiable, well-meaning, funny priest?
But in that darkness, I was held very close to him. I didn’t know what was happening and he pressed and felt my lips with his fingers first and then he kissed me on the lips and face. As a child I didn’t like any displays of affection even from old people and this one was too uncomfortable for me but I was held tight. Suddenly the electricity came and he straightened himself up. He gave me the cross that I wanted and he left, telling goodbye. I took it and ran inside the room puzzled, as I was not able to comprehend and analyse the situation just like any other 7 year old.
Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse testify the same that their parents missed their signs of inactiveness, unnecessary fear, and loneliness. And these signs are always accompanied by haunting memories of the incident, however old it is, like in my case. I am not asking parents to be paranoid and be overly suspicious of everyone, but to be shrewd, sharp and cautious so that they will not miss these signs. Some don’t even believe their children because the offender was someone who was dependable and held an ‘honourable’ position around them.
Soon, I lost the cross shaped locket somewhere and when I wanted one so badly, I asked my mother to ask the priest again. And the seven year old child’s ‘desperation’ and fascination was taken into his custody and he used that opportunity to break my childhood and smash my innocence. He gave me the cross shaped locket and I carried that locket in my hands or pocket every time now, to not lose it and there was no uncomfortable kisses from his side for some time. Actually, he was stalling for some time to groom me and get into my vicinity and trust during the time he came to our home. Every time, he used to commend and shower me with praises in front of my family, that I was a well-behaved child. This is how a perpetrator usually grooms his victim and the grooming part involves several other factors like noticing the lack of care in the victim’s family or the family’s social status and financial situation. And they might use surprise gifts also as a means of grooming a person.
I was reaching the end of academic year by then and my family had plans to move to another place by the beginning of the next academic year. So, the fowler wasted no time to catch his prey before it flies off the nest soon.
One day, he said I can come to play with him in the parsonage and that he will give another cross to me. Children used to play around the parsonage, so there was no apprehension. I had started to like him and as he gained my family’s trust, they felt nothing wrong when he made me ask my family that I wanted to go to the parsonage to play. But that day, there were no children around the parsonage and I played with him in his room. The whole time I ‘played’ with him, I was made to sit on his lap. Soon after, he said he wanted to sleep and that I can also sleep in the bed next to his. He gave me some water to drink and I felt sleepy after drinking that. Unguarded, I immediately slept off with the locket still in my hand.
Violated Without Any Mercy
Rape. A very strong word. I didn’t realise it then when it happened to me but only until years later when I was trying to recoup myself from all the hurt that I acquired in the past. I was sexually abused once but my brain was raped a 1000 times over and over because of the never fading memories. And there is a misconception that time can heal all wounds. No, time cannot but only God can heal all wounds. But the scars, they remain – as signs, signs that say God can heal any wound and that he will accept you no matter your position.
I woke up to some odious sounds from him and it was towards evening by this time and the light was not so bright inside the room I was in. As I woke up, my whole body and mind were frozen. He stopped when he realised that I was awake and went to the bathroom. When I heard the bathroom door getting locked, I immediately sprang from the bed and wanted to run home from that filthy room.
Suddenly I remembered about the precious locket that was in my hands. My mother used to tell me Jesus will help all of us and so I kept the cross locket in my hand at all times, in order for Jesus to be with me. I knew something dirty had happened to me and if I get the locket back, this feeling might vanish and I will be safe. That was my logic as a 7 year child and so, before running home, I wanted to retrieve that cross locket. I searched and found it lying underneath the bed. Getting it, I ran to the main door but I found it locked.
I was so gripped with fear and I cannot explain in words the distress and panic I had on seeing the locked door. Something bad happened to me, I know. I was really terrified of the incident and didn’t want it to happen again there and in fear, I waited for him to come out of the bathroom. He came out and stooped down to kiss me. I said, I wanted to go home and was about to break down in tears. Seeing that he said he will take me home now and he dressed himself in his white priestly robe and we came out of the parsonage. Halfway to my home, he said he wanted to go somewhere else. He bent down and kissed me again and whispered in my ears to not tell what happened that afternoon to anyone and that it was me who came to ‘play’ with him. I felt so dirty as I was held responsible to whatever happened to me. I broke free from his clutches and ran to my house.
That afternoon, the dove that flew from the safety of its nest guileless, free and wide eyed, didn’t come back the same way as it had gone out of its nest. It was now caged, broken and grossed out. I was hurting with self-condemnation for years altogether thinking that I was responsible for the ‘game’ that I played with him. And self-condemnation is a powerful weapon that the evil one uses to hack down our thoughts and peace, which many people are secretly battling behind closed doors.
Shame and Guilt
I didn’t reveal anything to anyone including Daniel, a domestic help and my best friend – who was just 12 at that time, out of fear and guilt and so is the case with many survivors. I never went to the priest again whenever he came home to have food as far as I remember. I was not my own self at that time, as recounted by my grandmother later. My uncle’s wife was there at home, staying with our big family. She had become a favourite to all of us and she was also teaching me for school, since my mother was busy with her own post graduate studies. Maybe she noticed something odd in me whenever the priest was around and so one day as she was teaching me, she asked me if I wanted to tell her anything. Maybe she noticed my aloofness, I don’t know. Even though I was afraid, I immediately poured out to her what had happened and detailed to her about how the priest was inappropriate with me. I thought she might do something to help me wash this dirty feeling away. But to my dismay, she told me not to tell anyone what had happened and that it will create problems for everyone and my loving family. This ‘risk’ made me to not speak about the incident to anyone after that, until some months later. I spoke to Daniel about it, when it dawned on me how much I was damaged, but the haunting memories and fear were already embedded deeply in me.
It took me years to speak out or even come to peace with my mind over the violence I suffered. The pain can’t be expressed and the clandestine tears makes it worse. The survivors wage many wars, unknown to others, all with a smile on their face and burning hearts. I was exhausted from trying to be stronger more than i felt, until recently when I realised this :- I didn’t have the ability to choose what to happen or what not to happen in my life, but yes, I had the ability to overcome the corroding dents and scars in my heart, through Christ. And it all begins by accepting Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour and Redeemer. And this healing journey ends by the acceptance of a new life and healing by the blood of Jesus Christ, who laid down his life on the cross, even for the worst of my haunting memories, as I am writing this book 2000 years later.
Soon afterward, we relocated to the city. It was really sad for me to part with Daniel. We consoled each other by making plans to visit him during my next vacation. But little did we know, that we will be wedged away forever and I had never thought that poor little Daniel too will be browned by the same vandal, who marred my life. Daniel was being sexually abused for months after I left there by the same priest who abused me.
Key to Freedom
Now to an important part which is salient for our own deliverance. And that is Forgiveness.
Previously I would have wanted to kill him, but if you ask me now what I would do if I come face to face with the same person who raped me and marred my life, I would only ask him this – Why? Why did you do this to me? And if he hadn’t changed his ways, I would ask for a professional help for him. But nothing will aid him if he hadn’t received the forgiveness of Jesus inside his heart. If I hadn’t known the forgiveness of Jesus in my life, I would have wanted him to ‘rot and die’ because of what he did to both of us, me and Daniel. He was revelling on the innocence of children like Daniel, me and possibly other children whose name didn’t come to the light. But as years passed by, Bible taught me to forgive and it also wanted me to forget which was more difficult and which I still cannot come in terms with. I had never thought I could forgive him of all people. But Jesus forgave my sins, and I naturally being the kinsman of Jesus, needed to forgive others too.
And that forgiveness is not rooted from human standards, where many of us apply this rule – forgive, but not forget. If we are not forgetting the misdeeds that has been done against us it will not bring forth true forgiveness which in turn is needed to bring forth veritable healing. Yes, we need to be careful about not getting wronged again by the same person but at the same time, we should not keep a grudge or bitterness in our hearts for the past offences. More than the person who needs to be forgiven, you will be under the mounting yoke of anger, guilt and immorality if you keep nurturing bitterness. And It will affect your relationship with God.
So to release ourselves and to truly forgive, I will share some pointers which I saw in a picture that hung on the wall of my house –
1) Pray for our offenders and for ourselves to forgive them(Matthew 5:44, 6: 14,15).
2) Release the offenders from our punishment (Romans 12: 19-21).
3) Bless them (Romans 12: 14).
4) Pardon them if they change so that we will be pardoned too ( Luke 6: 35-37).
5) Try not to dwell on the past, but let it turn into a message ( Isaiah 43: 18).
Let no hurt and anger keep us from holding the hands of God. He has removed our transgressions so far from us that he is not going to consider it against us anymore. So in that light, let’s forgive others too. In the fearful words of Charles Spurgeon, “Unless you have forgiven others, you read your own death warrant when you repeat the Lord’s prayer”. (Matthew 6)
Forgiveness is a big key for eternal life and it is not made of anything else but love.
Moving forward, today, I still have unsettled scores, struggles and scuffles in life. But through all of it, I am made stronger in God. Because the One who is in me is greater than the one who is in the world. I have learnt lessons about forgiveness, anger, love etc later in my life. I had battled with depression, worthlessness, guilt and suicidal thoughts. I had felt many times that the water is rushing inside the boat and that the boat will be swamped soon. But no, the master of the entire Universe and Heaven, He was there at the stern of the boat. Will he let the boat to be toppled down by the waves? No, no, no. No rape, torment, abuse and violence of this world were strong enough to bring this boat down and it was not because of my own self will and strength I was made strong, but because of Jesus alone. The more we feel powerless and weak, the more God is working for us and the powerful God will change our shame to glory.
Maybe we are going through difficult and trying times. But the good news is that whatever be the trouble, Jesus will not leave us to Sheol or death and He will leave no stones unturned to save you. He has already given up His life on the cross for you. And this life we are living in Christ is worth it, despite the disturbances, unrest and other issues we face. Because an eternal life with God is waiting for us and He has got us in His hands. No fire, no water, no wind are strong enough to quench His love for us.
He did not leave me to die. And He won’t leave you too. Jesus of Nazareth will come for you.
Let the winds die down and a perfect peacefulness come inside all of our hearts.